And Still So Far
by Emily Waters
Summary: 22 years after the war, Harry visits Seveurs. He hopes Severus doesn't mind. songfic


**Title: **And Still So Far

**Author:** Emily Waters

**Genre: **Songfic

**Pairing: **Severus/Harry

**Warnings:** Angst

**Timeline: **Post-DH, 22 yrs later.

* * *

The war has been over for over two decades.

_  
And all the world is calm_

Thank you, I think, but I don't say it out loud. Strange. I know you won't say anything hurtful to me, but somehow a part of me still expects it. I don't say anything at all. I just press my forehead to yours. It's cool to the touch.

I hope you don't mind that I'm here.

_So close together_

I went to Hogwarts today. Yes, don't sneer at me. They are letting me guest-lecture. Shut up. Yes of course, only because they are desperate. Yes, yes, I know, you think I love being the center of attention. You think that this is _why_ I lecture. Well, you know what? Fuck you.

It's not like that. Really.

It's just that the excitement of life is no longer there. You are ready to tell me I'm ungrateful, aren't you? You'd think I should value life so much after winning the war, but … I don't even _feel_ it. Life that is. That's why I go to the old places. Places that hold memories. Places that kept small parts of me. You know, Dumbledore's tomb, Hogwarts, Hagrid's hut, the Godric's Hollow, the Burrow... and _here_ – and - when I visit those places, a tiny part of me begins to wake up.

_And when I'm with you  
So close to feeling alive_

Don't – fucking – call me an imbecile. I'm warning you. I'm not your student anymore.

Dammit. I'd give anything to be your student again. To be that young again. Would be nice.

Well, it's someone else's time to be young. Can you believe it, Lily and Scorpius were fighting. Then Hugo took Lily's side, and Al sided with Scorpius. James got bored and picked a fight with Rose. And Teddy got upset, started crying, and ran to Sprout to complain. You know how children are.

I can't credit it: I have children. I have a godson. Seems unreal somedays. Especially when I'm here, with you. How did that happen? Where did all the time go?

_A life goes by _

I'm so comfortable here with you, it's unreal. Me. Comfortable with you. We used to feud and fight all the time. I hated you.

And I loved you, without knowing that it was you that I loved.

When I found the Half-Blood Prince's book, and started reading it, I fell in love. I really thought I found my soulmate. That's why I couldn't give up the book, no matter what.

Oh – whatever. Say what you want. I know you are flattered. Maybe even touched.

When I found out it was you, I hated you. What a way to find out, too. During a duel. You couldn't have sprung it on me in some less melodramatic way, you bastard? I don't know – during a detention, or after classes? You have no idea how much I hated you then. Not just for killing Dumbledore, not just for running to Voldemort – shut up, I will say his name if I like, you superstitious git – no. I hated you for being the Prince.

And I continued to love the Prince just the same, and hated myself for it.

_Romantic dreams must die  
So I bid mine goodbye_

It wasn't until I saw your memories that the Prince and the scared teenager who had feuded with my father, and the highly unpleasant teacher who harassed me, became one and the same. Then it all came together. It all made sense. Then I knew who you were.

Then I could love you. All of you. Not just the inaudible voice from the pages of the old book.

_And now forever I know  
All that I want is to hold you  
So close_

I love you. Yes, I know I'll never hear you say that to me. I know that your stony expression will never change, no matter what I say. That's all right. I'm not saying it to hear you reply. I'm saying it because I need to say it. It just makes me feel – feel like – like – well, fuck. I don't know.

_So close to reaching that famous happy ending  
Almost believing this one's not pretend  
_

No, don't tell me to go home. I need just a few more minutes tonight, all right? Hey, it's not like you have a life anyway. Heh. That was almost funny. Rude, but funny. Almost.

Why am I coming back? Because I need to. It breaks up the grey sameness of my days. It returns a part of me to me. I don't think I'd last long, if I thought you didn't want me to keep coming back.

_How could I face the faceless days  
If I should lose you now? _

I reach for you. My palms brush against your cheekbones, and trace the contours of your face. I move closer, and my lips almost touch yours.

_We're so close_

_To reaching that famous happy ending  
Almost believing this one's not pretend  
Let's go on, on dreaming for we know we are_

I can't believe I ever thought you were ugly. Your face grows more and more beautiful, more and more beloved every day. I wonder how that's possible, since it never changes.

Your face is an impassive stony mask. You never smile. You never scowl. You never grow old. You stopped aging twenty-two years ago. We are the same age now, did you know that?

My hand touches the stone of the plinth above your grave, upon which your bust rests.

_So close  
So close  
And still so far_

* * *

**~fin**


End file.
